Seeking Wholeness

You may have been told while growing up, as I was, that you could accomplish anything if you tried hard enough. For me, and perhaps for you, struggling to have a baby was the first time that hard work didn't result in the desired goal.

Experiencing fertility challenges can feel enormously frustrating and demoralizing. You may feel out of control of your life. It's as if you're in an earth-bound purgatory; your entire life seems suspended. Planned medical treatments and possible pregnancies leave you feeling that you can't take a vacation or move forward with your career or other dreams.

How can you navigate this difficult time?

Handle With Care

This is a unique time in your life, so taking especially good care of yourself is imperative. This may include planning vacations and breaks from trying to get pregnant. Not taking the time you need to recharge your batteries can exacerbate the situation, strain your relationships and lead to extra burnout and stress. All of these factors can compromise your ability to achieve and hold a pregnancy.

Taking care of yourself may include minimizing situations where you feel vulnerable. For example, consider politely declining invitations to baby showers. Although you're happy for your friend, it can be a lot to expect from yourself to show up and be her cheerleader. When you do go out, consider using guided imagery to protect yourself. For example, when I meet with friends, family and colleagues who have babies or pregnancies, I imagine I'm surrounded by an impenetrable "hard candy shell". That way, I'm sweet on the outside and protected on the inside.

Nurture Other Aspirations

Having a baby may not be your only big dream. For instance, you may have professional goals that you've set aside temporarily to focus on resolving your fertility situation.

Believe it or not, the time when you are experiencing infertility can be an excellent opportunity to develop other interests and dreams. Visioning, planning and actualizing your life's aspirations can help you feel like you are taking back control and restoring some balance to your life. The work can distract you from the pain of the fertility step you are currently taking. Most importantly, you can start to see beyond where you are now. The future may not be what you'd originally imagined, but it can be satisfying and fulfilling nonetheless.

As an example, after several years of trying to have a baby and experiencing one miscarriage after another, I realized that I had been waiting for my baby to arrive before addressing my less-than-fulfilling career. Once I had this awareness, I decided to move ahead on the transition. I worked with a career counselor and determined that I wanted to become a coach. I went back to school part-time, got my coaching certification and credential, and opened my practice. This experience empowered me and supported my family goals at the same time because working for myself would give me more flexibility to be home and present for my future child/ren.

Consider what dreams you have put on hold, and what you can do to build momentum in these areas.

Seek Support

You may find that fertility challenges are not easy to discuss. In some social circles, the topic is taboo. Close friends and family may not be the best candidates to hear your honest feelings. They may not be able to understand how you feel, or they may find it hard to listen to the very real depth of your despair.

Sharing with your romantic partner can be complicated because they have a vested interest in the outcome. They may try to be strong for your benefit, but the relationship can be strained when you unload too often. They also may have different coping strategies and opinions about how to proceed.

You may find yourself in discussion or decision-making situations that you find difficult to grapple with. For example, if your physician suggests a third-party donor or surrogate, how do you make the decision to go with one of these options, or continue with your own eggs/sperm? If you do decide to move forward with third party assisted reproduction, how do you come to terms with it and integrate it into your life?

Statistical probabilities of success are helpful, but your decision will probably not be based solely on a logical analysis. A fertility coach can help put your options in perspective when considered in the context of your personal values and relationships.

Working with a confidential third party provides you with a non-judgmental sounding board. A fertility coach is someone who has experienced infertility herself and can, therefore, offer genuine empathy and understanding about your situation. She combines strong knowledge of fertility treatments and alternatives with compassion, big-picture vision and strategizing skills. She can help you see treatment options on every level - from physical to emotional and financial. She can bring structure to your chaos and help you make progress towards family-building goals and other life aspirations.

Hope for the Future

You don't have to go it alone. And you don't have to put your life on hold. Plan for your future - your entire future - so you can feel satisfied no matter what your treatment outcome may be. Just remember the three strategies to stay grounded during this unique time in your life: take care of yourself, nurture other dreams and seek support.

About Merideth Mehlberg and Fertile Perspectives

Merideth Mehlberg, founder of Fertile Perspectives, survived nine years of extensive fertility testing, treatment and alternative therapies in pursuit of her goal to be a mother. As a fertility coach, she combines her empathy with strong critical and strategic thinking skills to help her clients evaluate their range of choices and chart their own unique paths.

Merideth works with individuals and couples in her coaching practice. In addition, she runs support groups, and she speaks and offers workshops on all aspects of infertility.

If you have fertility challenges and need a caring, professional point of view, contact Merideth at 510.864.0249 or mer@fertileperspectives.com to schedule a confidential complimentary consultation.

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